


touch with your heart, my fingertips ache for your skin

by kireinayuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned OCD, mental heart is complicated and important, mentioned anxiety attack, mentioned panic attacks, panic disorder, theres always someone to listen, this is just something i’ve experienced and wanted to vent about, your feelings always matter and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23062231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireinayuta/pseuds/kireinayuta
Summary: The members start to notice that Jaemin is behaving strangely lately.It’s not all black and white, and Jaemin wishes that what he felt meant something for once
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, but it doesn’t really matter
Comments: 18
Kudos: 233
Collections: Others ❀





	1. Chapter 1

Blond. 

They want him to go blond. 

His thoughts are already going haywire in his brain, running a mile a minute, and all negatively. 

How will he look with blond hair? Is he gonna look ugly? Cute? Pretty? Disgusting? Are they going to cut a lot of his hair off? He hates how he looks with cropped hair; that's why he always keeps it long. Are they gonna make him cut it off? 

Jaemin is ripped out of his thoughts by a whistle, turning his head to the sound. His eyes land on Renjun, who's smirking at Jeno. 

"Back to the good days, hm?" The older boy asks, snickering when Jeno glares at him. "Shut up. You couldn't stop looking at yourself in the mirror." 

Jeno's ears turn red at the teasing, and Jaemin thinks he looks cute. But he totally missed what Renjun was making fun of him for. 

"What's going on?" He finds himself asking, quirking up an eyebrow. 

"Jen's going blond with you," Donghyuck easily answers from where he's been staying silent. He was stretching with Jisung and Chenle, who are now too engrossed with a conversation amongst themselves to entertain Donghyuck. "That'll be cute, won't it?" 

Maybe it would be cute, couples' hair colour, but the only thing Jaemin can think of is how much better Jeno is going to look with blond hair compared to him. And he's not necessarily jealous... He's just thinking about it. With a growing pit in his stomach. 

"Yeah," he ends up answering anyways, shooting Jeno a soft smile. The older boy smiles back, crescent moons and all, and Jaemin thinks that he wouldn't been mind being outshined by Lee Jeno. 

Jeno deserves it more anyways. 

——

"Taeyong hyung?" Jaemin mumbles, eyes trained on the potatoes he's cutting up, per Taeyong's request. 

He headed over to the 127 dorms just to say hello, but Taeyong insisted that he stay for dinner, and who was Jaemin to say no? 

"What's up Minnie?" The older boy hums, throwing Jaemin a motherly smile. 

Taeyong is the only one who calls Jaemin Minnie, the only one who makes Jaemin feel comforted with a simple nickname. Jaemin tends to get really homesick sometimes, but a quick visit to Taeyong makes him realize that everything is okay. 

"What happens when Hyuckie skips his meds?" He asks, still mumbling, still looking at the potatoes. 

He hears Taeyong stop stirring the pot behind him, and he bites his bottom lip as he waits for an answer. 

When a few more beats of silence go by, Jaemin regrets asking the question. 

"Maybe I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry hyung, fuck. You don't need to answer—" Jaemin rambles, trying to save himself in case he said something that truly upset Taeyong. 

"He's on edge," Johnny answers, walking into the kitchen. 

Jaemin jumps, shocked at the answer, and ends up slicing his finger instead of the potato by mistake. 

He hisses, catching Johnny's attention, who's by his side the second he sees Jaemin start sucking the blood out of his finger. 

"Hey bud," the eldest boy in the kitchen bushes, taking ahold of Jaemin's finger and examining it. "Didn't mean to scare you. Sorry Jaemin." He apologizes, reaching above the fridge for the first aid kit. 

Jaemin hasn't said anything, just stares at Johnny while he bandages his finger. 

"Why'd you ask?" Taeyong's voice asks, referring back to the younger's question about Donghyuck. Jaemin almost forgot he was in the kitchen with them. 

"Isn't being on edge a normal thing?" He asks instead. 

"For Hyuck it's a different type of edge when he's off his meds. Like a constant pit in his stomach, y'know? Second guesses everything and shuts down into a shell," Johnny explains softly, eyebrows furrowed together. "But really Jaem, why are you asking us and not him?" 

Jaemin freezes at the question, flickering his gaze between Taeyong and Johnny, who both look at him with equally quizzical looks. 

He doesn't want to answer them. He himself doesn't know why he's suddenly so piqued in Donghyuck's anxiety medication. 

"Just asking."

——

"Hey, have any of you guys—" 

Before Jaemin can finish asking his question, a hand clamps over his mouth, and his eyes are opening wide. 

However, only a second later does he breathe in the familiar lemon scent, identifying the person clamping his mouth shut as Jeno. 

The latter drags him into the kitchen, where he then finally lets go and faces the younger. 

"Jun's panicking," he answers, as if the phrase alone is explanation enough. And it kind of is. 

"Did he... Skip?" Jaemin asks, a tiny bit confused as towards why Renjun is having an episode when everything seemed to be going okay. 

"Yeah, last night. You know he loses it over the smallest things when he skips. Chenle's with him now though, trying to calm him down. He does it better than any of us." Jeno explains, furrowing his eyebrows when he realizes Jaemin seems spaced out. He snaps a finger in front of the younger's face. "Nana?" 

Coming back, Jaemin looks at Jeno, into his eyes, and pushes the uneasy feeling that's bubbling in his stomach down. He smiles at Jeno, but the latter notices how it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Before he can say anything about it though, Jaemin is speaking. 

"I'm gonna go shower," he announces, stepping out of the kitchen and walking down the hall towards their shared room.

"But didn't you shower this morning? It's only 4:00pm," Jeno reasons, innocent questioning in his tone. 

"Yeah," Jaemin easily answers, grabbing clothes and a towel. "But I just wanna... Shower again." 

Still somewhat skeptical, Jeno only hums, watching as Jaemin disappears off into the bathroom. 

——

"Hyung." 

"Nana! What's up?" Jaehyun asks, bubbly as he puts his phone down and focuses solely on Jaemin. 

Jaemin feels bad that he's about to ruin the mood with one simple question. 

"Hyung I'm sorry but... What's the name of your medication?" Jaemin asks with his eyes squeezed shut, almost as if he was terrified to see Jaehyun's expression to his question. Which he was. He doesn't want the older boy to be mad at him, or worse; snap at him. 

"... What?" Jaehyun simply asks, astonishment clear in his tone. 

Jaemin finally opens his eyes again, slowly, watching as Jaehyun's mouth sits open agape. 

"You're on medication... Right? What's it called?" The younger iterates again, despite knowing that Jaehyun heard his question clear the first time. 

Seeing how nervous Jaemin looked right now, Jaehyun decides not to torture the poor boy anymore with his stalling, and answers his question.

"Prozac. Why?" Jaehyun answers, shifting as he watches Jaemin fidget with his fingers. 

"Where do you keep it?" Jaemin blurts out, eyes widening once he realizes the question has escaped his mouth. 

But it was too late now. 

"Jaemin—" Jaehyun splutters, shocked at the questions the younger's asking him right now. But the younger's turning around, headed to the door. Good thing Jaehyun is faster than him. "Jaemin, are you okay?" 

He sees the fear and confusion in the younger's eyes, and suddenly, more than ever, Jaehyun is concerned about what's going on in Jaemin's head. 

The younger doesn't answer though, simply shimmies out of Jaehyun's grasp and continues his march towards the door. 

His hand in on the handle when another voice calls. 

"Jaemin? Why were you asking hyung about Prozac?" 

Donghyuck.

Jaemin runs out the door, leaving Donghyuck's question unanswered. 

——

"Sir, I actually can't serve you these unless you have a prescription." 

"I have money—"

"Do you have a prescription? A diagnosis? Without those, I'm afraid I can't be of much help."

"But I don't know if they'll work, I just need to try them—"

"Sir, perhaps speaking to a professional will clear the confusion? Getting a diagnosis and then finding what's best for you—"

"No!" Jaemin snaps, shocking the pharmacist in front of him. "N-No, I— Theres morning wrong with me. I just... No. Never mind. I'm sorry, good bye." 

——

Jaemin's heart is beating so fast, he can feel it in his ears. 

His own panting is too loud, he's afraid someone next door could be able to hear it. 

And before he can even think about how dry his throat is, somethings catching on the bottom is his shoe, sending him towards the floor with a thump. 

Jaemin feels something let loose in his stomach.

"Donghyuck! Is it that hard for you to tie your fucking laces! Watch where you're stepping if you're gonna be so goddamn irresponsible!" He yells, surprising everyone with the sheer volume of his voice, able to be heard over the speakers playing music. 

Everything stops after that. 

Someone turns off the music.

Everyone stops what they're doing. 

Donghyuck's breathing picks up, and Jaemin's realizes what he's started a bit too late. 

"I-I'm sorry," Donghyuck whispers, barely loud enough for someone to hear him. 

Jaemin gulps.

"Dong—" 

"Step out."

Jaemin feels his heart stop at Jeno's command. 

But he doesn't argue, stepping out immediately. 

Minutes pass by which feel like hours as Jaemin waits outside the practice room, pacing back and forth as he replays the scene which took place not even ten minutes ago in his head. 

Why did he say that?

Why did he have to snap at Donghyuck of all people?

What's wrong with him? 

The sound of the practice room door opening is what snaps him out of his reverie, and his eyes meet Jeno's. 

"Why did you do that?" Is the first thing Jeno asks, tone void of any emotion, no clue giving away towards how he was feeling. "You know he forgot to take his meds this morning, Jaemin, I told you that myself." 

Jaemin can't find the words Jeno wants to hear.

“Talk to him. If you two have a problem, work through it now,” Jeno continues to say, patience too thin to wait for Jaemin to formulate an answer. 

“J-Jeno,” Jaemin calls when Jeno turns around, tugging on the sleeve of the older boy’s t-shirt. Jeno turns around, a bit of a softer look in his eyes once he sees the conflict on Jaemin’s face. “Don’t wanna talk now.” 

And just like that, the softness is gone. 

“Jaemin. Deal with your shit.” 

“Jeno— I don’t wanna talk now— Why are you making me?” Jaemin asks, clearly confused as he tries to find the logic. “I can’t think and Donghyuck probably can’t either—”

“You’re gonna set him off if you don’t talk now. He’ll worry.” 

“You’re my boyfriend!” Jaemin says, a bit louder than intended. His eyes are watering and he doesn’t even realize it until the first tear slips, until Jeno freezes at the sight of it. “You... You’re being so rude,” Jaemin continues. “You’re worried about Donghyuck but not... Me?” 

Don’t get Jaemin wrong, he knows that Donghyuck is Jeno’s best friend and that he has a special place in his heart but, so does Jaemin. And they’re dating, for fuck’s sake, how is Jeno just going to disregard Jaemin’s feelings in this? 

Or were they not valid? 

“Oh,” Jaemin lets out, emotionless when it finally dawns on him. “I don’t have the right.” He whispers, nodding to himself and bringing a hand up to wipe his tears. “I can’t be upset. He skipped his meds.” 

“Jaemin—”

“Next time,” Jaemin huffs, taking a deep breath in order to calm himself. “Just say it doesn’t matter.”

And with that, he walks back into the practice room, where he proceeds to tell Donghyuck that everything was okay and that he just didn’t get enough sleep the night enough. 

Donghyuck understands.

But nothing is okay. 

——

Jaemin starts sleeping in Jisung’s bed, and at first, it didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary. Only seemed like those periods of time where Jaemin gets overly emotional and wants to cling to Jisung to help ease his heart.

But Jeno knows it’s because he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him. And the thought hurts, but what hurts more is knowing that he’d actually said those words to Jaemin four days ago outside the practice room. 

It’s a... Sticky situation, if Jeno’s being honest. 

He knows he should’ve been easier on Jaemin, but meds are serious. Donghyuck had forgotten them that morning, in their hasty rush to get out of the dorms. Anything could’ve set him off, and Jaemin snapping didn’t really help with that. 

But then again, Jaemin snapping isn’t normal either. There’s been rumours through the dorms, dream and 127, that something seemed off about him. Jeno didn’t think too much of it, seeing as it could’ve just been stress for their comeback and Dream Tour, but the more he hears his hyungs talk about it, the more concerned he gets. But is that reason enough to not want to talk about it?

Not talking about it set off Donghyuck’s anxiety. Talking about it didn’t make Jaemin feel any better, despite Jeno’s intentions. 

Donghyuck is his best friend, but Jaemin is his boyfriend. 

Shaking his head, Jeno ruffles his hair in a poor attempt to rid the headache starting to pound behind his eyelids. 

He doesn’t know how to handle this: it seems serious. 

Whether there’s a serious problem with Jaemin or not, Jeno needs to get to the bottom of it before something like this happens again. 

It seems as if Jaemin is hiding something, and by the rumours and how he snapped, he’s been hiding something for at least a couple of months. 

The thought makes Jeno’s heart sink, but now, he’s more determined than ever to find out the truth behind what’s up with Jaemin. 

He has to. 

For Jaemin’s sanity and his own. 

——

“Can I come in?” 

Both Doyoung and Yuta turn their heads to the door at the same time, their eyes meeting Jaemin’s fidgeting frame. His knuckle is poised in the air, still up form when he knocked on their door. 

“Sure,” Doyoung easily answers. 

“What’s up kid?” Yuta asks, sitting up straight in his bed. Doyoung sits up straight next to him, closing the laptop they were watching a movie on. He sends Jaemin a smile, weary of the words be remembers Jaehyun told him about a few days ago. 

“What do you do when Jaehyun hyung forgets for take his meds?” He immediately asks, getting straight to the point. 

It takes the two older boy’s back a bit, but Yuta is quick on his feet.

“We don’t really know until it’s too late,” he answers slowly, tilting his head to a side. “Why?” 

Jaemin freezes for a split second at this question, but he’s quick to start twiddling his thumbs again. 

“Because Donghyuck forgot to take his the other day.” He purposefully excludes the details, pretending like he doesn’t know that the 127 hyungs probably already all know the story. “Are you guys... Tiptoeing around him when he skips? Jaehyun or Donghyuck?” 

Yuta is extremely confused by Jaemin’s onslaught of questions, but luckily, Doyoung starts to talk before Yuta can question Jaemin on why he really came to them. 

“It’s a fine line, Jaem. Mental health is delicate, but we don’t treat them like they’re not normal. They are normal, they’re our friends and family. NCT is a family, right? And you, me and Yuta, we’re just like Jaehyun, Donghyuck, Renjun, Ten and Yangyang. Is that what you’re asking? If we’re meant to treat them a bit more different because of their illnesses?” Doyoung asks softly, wanting to get to the root of Jaemin’s visit. 

“No!” Jaemin immediately denies, surprising Doyoung and Yuta. “I-I know they’re normal, that they’re family, that they’re not different from you and I. But... I just— Do you ever feel like you have to be careful? Like you’re not allowed to do something, or feel something, or like, complain about something because of them?” 

This time, Yuta and Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow. 

“Like anything you feel compared to them is... Invalidated? Like you don’t have a reason to feel the way you do, not when Donghyuck has anxiety, and Renjun has a panic disorder, and Jaehyun hyung has depression, and Ten hyung has OCD—” 

“Jaemin,” Yuta cuts off, unable to hide the concern that’s dripping from his tone. “Do you feel that way?” 

A pause. 

“N-No.”

Doyoung feels his heart drop. 

——

“Where’s Jaemin?” 

Jeno’s heart jumps out of his chest when he hears the door of their dorm burst open, followed by Taeyong’s voice. He hears more footsteps, and concludes that it’s not just Taeyong who came in.

“Taeyong hyung?” Jisung questions, walking into the foyer, with all the other boys following. 

Once Jeno himself makes it there he sees that Johnny, Jaehyun, Yuta, and Doyoung have accompanied Taeyong, all of them frantic as their eyes scan through the dorm. 

“Where’s Jaemin?” This time Jaehyun asks, seeming more and more concerned as the seconds tick by.

“What? Why are you looking for him—”

“For fuck’s sake Jeno, just answer the question!” Yuta snaps, unable to hide his desperation and irritation towards finding the younger boy. “Where is he?”

“He said he was gonna shower,” Chenle’s voice answers instead, picking up on how Jeno was too shocked to answer. 

Immediately after hearing Chenle’s answer, Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung sprint to the bathroom, closely followed by Johnny and Yuta, the five of them scrambling towards the bathroom door. 

“Water isn’t running,” Taeyong notes, gulping as he eyes the doorknob. “Might be unlocked.”

Johnny rattles the doorknob, relieved when it opens up right away. 

However, the feeling drains when he hears something hit the floor, hears the multiple little sounds he’s all too familiar with. 

From the silence behind him, Johnny knows everyone else heard it too. 

“I-Is that Jaehyun hyung’s—” Donghyuck starts, mouth agape as his eyes are trained to the little capsules littering the floor. 

“Prozac.” Jaehyun finishes, slowly trailing his gaze up from the spilt pills and onto Jaemin, who seems frozen due to the shock of everyone being in the bathroom doorway. 

“Jae—” Jeno starts, trying to make his way through the multiple bodies and into the bathroom, but Doyoung puts a hand on his shoulder before he can make it past the doorframe. 

“Jaemin.” Taeyong says instead, tone somewhat stern but eyes and face soft as he looks at Jaemin. “We really need to talk.” 

And it finally dawns on Jeno, as he sees the pulls laying still on the floor, as he sees the bottle tipped over the countertop, as he sees Jaemin’s trembling hands and pale face. 

Jaemin was about to take someone else’s Prozac. 

——

Jaemin was intimidated by so many people being there to listen to him finally speak, so he kindly asks if only Taeyong, Jaehyun, Yuta, Doyoung, Jisung, Donghyuck, Jeno and Renjun can stay from all twenty others members Taeyong had managed to round up. 

Now it’s the nine of them sat in the living room, Jaemin sandwiched between Jeno and Yuta. 

He clears his throat.

“J-Jaehyun hyung. I’m sorry for taking your medication.” He apologizes, sincere with his tone and how he’s unable to meet Jaehyun’s eyes. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nana,” Jaehyun starts, voice dripping with honey as he calls his name. “We all know you know you shouldn’t have done that. We want to know why you did that.” 

“You can take your time,” Renjun assures. “But we’d really appreciate it if you could tell us what’s been on your mind.” 

Silence consumes them afterwards, and what feels like an hours to Jaemin is probably only a couple of seconds, until he’s gathered enough thoughts from his muddled mind to formulate some sort of response. 

“I... I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” he whispers, keeping his eyes trained to the carpet underneath the coffee table. “It’s like walking on eggshells in my own home and I— I can’t take it. Acting like everything is okay when it’s not. Pretending to be strong for the people who actually need it. Faking my smiles because my shit isn’t as important.” Jaemin chokes over his words as he tries to continue. “And I—” He gasps, trying to catch his breath. “I just want to be able to feel again. I’m so used to the emptiness, of the numbness and I just... I just want some help.” He finishes in a whisper.

“Please help me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin needs normal. It’ll all be over after that, right?

Jaemin's call for help stays unanswered for the time being; he said he didn't want to talk to a professional. 

He claims that there's nothing wrong with him.

Jaehyun begs to differ. The most toxic mindset you can be in is one where you don't acknowledge the problem, almost as if you think it's normal. 

By no means, does Jaehyun deem himself a professional, but he knows he's smart enough to identify a problem when there is one, and Jaemin has a problem. 

He keeps telling the members that it was just an 'episode caused from stress' whenever anyone mentions what happened that day, but of course, no one believes him. 

But the worst part is that none of them have the right to say anything about it. Jaemin will talk when he wants to talk, and until then, all the members can do is keep a close eye on him. Pressuring him into anything won't solve anything, it'll only make him want to close in on himself more. 

"Nana?" 

Jumping a bit at the voice piercing through the silence, Jaemin looks up and makes eye contact with Mark. 

He hasn't seen him in a while.

"Oh." He dumbly gapes, not able to take his eyes off of the other boy. 

He probably looks stupid. 

"Do you wanna go out and eat with me?" Mark asks, ignoring the way Jaemin is looking at him with his mouth open. "I found coupons!" 

Jaemin doesn't say anything for a while, just keeps staring at Mark. But he's patient, and lets Jaemin ogle him while he waits for the younger's decision. 

"With me?" 

"Of course you! Is there any other Nana around?" Mark jokes.

He thinks he sees Jaemin crack a smile, but doesn't have enough time to think about it before he's getting up from his spot on the couch.

"Okay. Let's eat."

Mark doesn't think he's ever been more relieved. 

More than anything right now, Jaemin needs normalcy. And if that's the least Mark can give him, he will. 

So they head over to the restaurant Mark has coupons for, and the latter requests a private room just for the two of them. 

They're quick to sit and order, and it's amicable and chill conversation for the first thirty or so minutes. 

"I think I'm going to break up with Jeno." 

Mark stops moving mid chew. 

"Really?" He finally asks back, putting his chopsticks down when he sees Jaemin do the same. He has to think about what he says now before he speaks out loud, he's scared he might say something Jaemin didn't need to hear right now. 

"Yeah," the younger just whispers, staring at his almost empty bowl. 

"Is it okay if I ask why?" Mark's cautious with his tone, trying to remain neutral. 

"I just don't think I can do it right now," Jaemin says, still speaking in his low and soft tone. "Until these stress induced episodes stop occurring—" Mark wants to tell Jaemin that it's more than that, but stays shut. "—I don't think being together will do either of us any good." 

Mark can tell it's hard for Jaemin to get the words out, hard for him to admit the truth to himself. But Mark thinks Jaemin just did what he knows he certainly couldn't have done.

"I'm really proud of you for putting yourself first," he says, sincerity dripping from his tone as he looks at Jaemin with the softest eyes he can muster. "You love him so much, and I know you don't wanna do it. But you're strong Nana, for recognizing the better option." 

Jaemin nods, still looking down at his bowl. Mark can see the way he frowns, sees the way the corners of his lips downturn. He sees the way his bottom lip wobbles a bit too, and thinks that he's never met someone as selfless as Na Jaemin. 

"Do you think I'll be okay?" He asks, finally looking up at Mark. "Without my best friend by my side?" 

Mark reaches for Jaemin's hand over the table, rubbing little circles on the back of his hand. 

"Jeno is still going to be by your side. He's still your best friend no matter what." He assures, gentle with the way he speaks. "And you're not alone, Nana. You have us all. All 20 of us. A text message away, a phone call away, sometimes even a door away. Na Jaemin, you're not alone. You may think the only thing that can help you is yourself, but if you'd like anything, and I mean anything, we're all right here. This is your battle but we can be your front line. No matter what." 

Jaemin sniffles, and Mark has to resist the urge to coo. It's not the right time for that. 

"Thank you." Jaemin whispers, squeezing Mark's hand. "I'll break up with him tonight."

Mark's eyes soften.

"Whatever you want, Jaemin."

——

"Jaemin? What're you doing here?"

"I-I'm sorry. I can't leave if it's not the right time—"

"No!" Donghyuck exclaims, rushing to the front door, where Jaemin is standing. "Come in. Please." 

He's crying, biting his lip to try and muffle it. He doesn't know why he came here, he could've gone anywhere else, being alone was probably better than being here. 

He's so embarrassed to face Jaehyun. 

But he doesn't know where else to go now. It hurts a lot. 

"What happened Minnie?" Taeyong asks, so quiet in the way he hands Jaemin some tissues. 

"Taeyong hyung," Jaemin calls out, broken with sobs. "I want something." 

He's gasping for breath, trying his best to calm himself down, but it's not working. He can still feel the knife twisting in his heart, can still see the look on Jeno's face, can still hear how broken his voice sounded. 

"What do you want, hm? Water? A bath? Anything you need." Taeyong assures, nodding his head as to help convince Jaemin to talk to him. 

"Make it stop." He begs, squeezing Taeyong's hands so tight between his own that the older boy thinks he might be losing circulation. "Please make it stop, make it stop hyung, it hurts, it hurts so much—" 

And he's heaving again, crying until he's out of breath and until he sends himself into panic. 

"Minnie please breathe a little," Taeyong pleads, still holding Jaemin's hands in hopes that it helps calm him down. "It's okay. I know it hurts right now but it won't hurt forever." 

Jaemin shakes his head.

"I don't— I can't, I just want it to stop. I don't wanna feel it, please make it go away hyung, I don't want it anymore." 

Taeyong looks around, desperate for a helping hand. Doyoung takes the hint, and crouches down in front of Jaemin next to Taeyong. He holds the younger's face in his palms, letting Taeyong keep control of his hands. 

"Jaeminnie please take a deep breath," he coaxes, and the sudden new voice seems to gather his attention. Jaemin seems to follow the new voice, registering what it's asking him to do. "If you listen to me, breathe in and out with me." Doyoung continues, staring to breathe in and out slowly, counting four beats each. 

It's working, and everyone in the room seems to relax a bit. Taeyong sends Doyoung a grateful smile. 

Once Jaemin has gotten his breathing back to being relatively normal, he opens his eyes and stares at Doyoung. 

The older boy can't tell what's running through Jaemin's mind, can't gage anything off of what's happening in the younger's eyes. However, as he keeps his own eyes trained on Jaemin for anything, he catches the way his lips fall open, the way his pupils start shaking. 

"Doyoung hyung," he calls, voice small, voice scratchy, and voice raw. Doyoung hates the way that it sounds, but he still smiles warmly at the call of his name. 

"Yeah Nana?" 

"I b-broke up with Jeno." He says, voice breaking and eyes welling up wit tears again. "My best friend hyung, my best friend." He chants, stumbling a bit over his words. 

Doyoung nods, unsure of what the right words to say are. He doesn't want to say something that could trigger Jaemin into more waterworks, but he also doesn't want to say anything that could invalidate the way Jaemin is feeling about the breakup. 

But the biggest question plaguing his mind, and probably everyone else who heard Jaemin's confession, is why they broke up. So he settles for that question.

"How come, hm?" He asks gently, making sure his tone was free of any judgement, any anger. He didn't want Jaemin to think that this wasn't a safe place where he could speak his mind, speak his heart. He wants Jaemin to know that they're here for him, despite how painful the situation might be. 

"Because I can't. I can't love him like this," Jaemin admits, choking on his words. He swallows the lump in his throat before continuing. "I'll hurt him. I need to... Get better f-first." Jaemin lets a tear fall, and lets out a shuddering breath. "I don't want to." He whimpers, shaking his head. 

"Baby I'm so proud of you," Doyoung sighs, eyes extremely fond as he speaks to Jaemin. "You're doing the right thing. Putting both you and Jeno in situations where you can both grow. Where you can get better. And when it's all over, your love will come back stronger than ever." 

"What if he doesn't want me?" Jaemin whispers, opening his eyes and staring at all the hyungs in front of him. "What if he realizes how fucked I am? How much I am to handle? How I can't love him properly, can't—"

"Jaemin." Donghyuck cuts in, tone stern but still soft. "Jeno loves you. And you know it too. You're psyching yourself out by thinking about these 'what if's." 

"I can't help it. I don't want to lose him."

"You won't lose him." This time it's Mark who pipes in. "He loves you as much as you love him. Lee Jeno's not going anywhere."

——

"Hyung?" 

"What's up?" Jaehyun smiles, patting the spot next to him. He's sitting on his bed, already clad in pyjamas. Jaemin hesitates, eyes flickering to the spot Jaehyun's patting. "Come sit." The elder encourages, noticing Jaemin's hesitance. 

Seeming convinced, Jaemin takes a seat next to Jaehyun cautiously, immediately grabbing his hands and holding them in his own. He does it just to feel a bit more grounded, and a bit more comforted. 

"Did you wanna talk?" Jaehyun asks softly, noticing the way Jaemin opens and closes his mouth. "I'm always listening, Nana."

Jaemin nods. He gulps, and finally looks Jaehyun in the eyes for the first time since he step foot into the elder's room. 

"I'm really, really sorry I took your medication that time." Jaemin apologized, head bowed down in shame. 

Jaehyun feels his heart squeeze. 

Jaemin has already apologized about this so many times. And Jaehyun understands where he's coming from, it wasn't the best thing to do, it was actually quite shitty, but Jaemin was in a moment of desperation, and Jaehyun somewhat understands that.

"Jaemin, stop apologizing so much," he chuckles, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere. He doesn't want Jaemin to continue to feel guilty about this. He's apologized, recognized his wrongs, and Jaehyun knows that if Jaemin were thinking straight, he wouldn't have even thought about stealing his medication in the first place. "I was never mad at you." He adds honestly. 

"I shouldn't have done it—"

"Nana," Jaehyun sighs, cupping Jaemin's face in his hands so that he can ensure that they're making eye contact as he assures the younger with his words. "I know you're sorry. And I forgive you. It's okay to make mistakes Jaemin. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you learned from your mistakes. You've learned, right?" Jaemin nods, only further proving Jaehyun's point. "Then it's okay Nana. Believe me." 

So Jaemin nods slowly, as the elder's words have finally gotten through to him. 

"Can I..."

"You wanna sleep here tonight?" Jaehyun finished the question, tilting his head and offering the kindest smile. When Jaemin nods, his smile grows wider. "Of course you can." 

So they huddle under the covers together, Jaemin cuddling up to Jaemin and making sure his hyung knows how much he appreciates and treasures someone as kind and understanding at him in his life. He hopes his killer cuddles will be enough to convince the elder. 

"Goodnight Jaehyun hyung," Jaemin slurs, feeling the exhaustion of all of the day's events creep up on him. 

"Goodnight Jaemin."

——

The next morning, Jaemin decides that he's going to treat Jeno like normal. Like he always did before they started dating. It might be hard, because Jaemin's been in love with Jeno for as long as he can remember, but it's what he needs. For everything to go back to normal. And even if it sounds easier to do than actually doing it, Jaemin will still try. Normalcy. He wants things to be normal. 

So he heads back to Dream's dorm, politely declining the hyung's offer for breakfast. He normally cooks his members breakfast in the morning, so he's heading back there to stay true to the routine. That seems like the first step in going back to the way things were. 

So he makes them all pancakes, serves Jeno's with bananas because even if they weren't dating, that's what he would've done. For his best friend. Because no matter what, Jeno is his best friend. 

Right?

One by one, the Dream members filter into the kitchen, none of them aware of what happened between Jeno and Jaemin the night before. And Jaemin prefers to keep it that way. 

"Good morning!" Jaemin greets, smiling bright at Jisung and Renjun, who come in first. "I made pancakes." 

"I see," Renjun says, but his smile is gentle as he grabs a plate, piling the pancakes onto his plate. "Thanks Jaemin."

"Where were you last night, hyung?" Chenle asks as he saunters into the kitchen. He too grabs a plate and immediately starts piling food onto it as he waits for Jaemin's answer. 

"Hung out with the 127 hyungs for a bit. They asked me to stay the night so I did." He shrugs, letting the white lie slip. 

Chenle hums, believing him, and joins Jisung at the table where he's already started eating. 

Suddenly, Renjun turns to him.

"Go wake up Jeno."

Jaemin falters for a half second, but quickly goes back to normal.

"Why me? Why not you?" Jaemin whines. 

"Because you know how he only listens to you. Whipped, is what Lee Jeno is." Renjun snickers, missing the way Jaemin's shoulder hunch a tad at that. 

Nonetheless, Jaemin agrees, only so that he doesn't seem suspicious. He doesn't want to confront them about the breakup, so it's better if he hides it from them. 

He has to continue with routine and normalcy, if he wants to finish this and come out of it as unscathed as possible. 

He heads into Jeno's shared room with Chenle, seeing them boy still sleeping on his bed. He's hugging a pillow to his chest, breathing evenly with hair fanning across his forehead. The sunlight is hitting him from where Chenle had probably opened the window when he woke up, and he looks so beautiful.

Jaemin's best friend looks so beautiful. 

Sighing out a shuddering breath, Jaemin makes his way to Jeno's sleeping form. He hovers over the edge of the bed for a second, a bit at a loss of what to do. He can't kiss his face awake, like he used to. 

So instead, he settles on shaking his shoulder, calling his name gently as to not startle him.

"Jeno? Jeno, wake up. I made you guys breakfast, come eat before it gets cold. Or before Jisungie eats it all." 

Jeno grunts, slowly coming to. He doesn't seem to process anyone's hands on him, let alone Jaemin's voice. 

One of his hands come up to rub at his eyes, and when he's bringing it back down, he finally sees Jaemin standing in front of him. 

Against his better judgment, he jumps at the sudden sight of the boy. 

Jaemin feels his heart crack a bit.

He gulps. 

"Good morning," Jaemin greets awkwardly, trying his best to smile at Jeno the way he would've if they'd just remained best friends all those years ago. 

"Good morning," Jeno whispers back. He seems to realize that he's just staring at Jaemin after greeting him, as he clears his throat and immediately looks away. "You made breakfast?"

"Yeah." Jaemin nods, handing Jeno his glasses. The elder boy puts them on, now clearly getting a look at the gorgeous younger boy standing in front of him. Jeno has to bite his tongue in order to not anything slip. "Come wash up and eat. Everyone else is already awake." 

Jeno hums, seeming to recollect himself in his head. He shoves the blankets off of his body, planting his feet on the ground and standing up. He makes way to walk around Jaemin and exit the room, intentions set on the bathroom. However, before he can make it far, Jaemin grabs his wrist.

"You're my best friend Jeno," Jaemin whispers, having a weirdly tight grip on the older boy's wrist. He isn't looking at Jeno, but Jeno is looking at Jaemin. "So let's... Let's be best friends." 

Jeno doesn't say anything at first, just processes the younger's words. 

"Of course Nana." Jeno ends up agreeing softly, tapping the younger's hand which has managed to slip into his own. 

Jaemin guesses it's a force is habit. 

As Jaemin let's him go and Jeno finally exits the room, he has to resist the urge to go back and give Jaemin a good morning kiss. 

He's not his boyfriend anymore. 

Meanwhile, Jaemin is still standing in Jeno and Chenle's room, staring at the former's bed. It felt weird not waking up there this morning. It felt weird not getting a kiss this morning. It all just feels... Weird. 

But Jeno said they're best friends! Jeno said that he's still Jaemin's best friend. And that's normal. That's the most normal thing he can have in this situation. 

And perhaps as the time goes by, and as Jaemin adapts to the normality of Jeno being his best friend again, attached at the hip again, his stress episodes will come to a stop. 

Because all he needed was a breather, right? Stealing Jaehyun hyung's medication was a moment of weakness; he doesn't actually need anything. 

As long as he learns how to deal with his stress, clear his mind, and let his emotions cleanse, he'll be alright. 

Right?


End file.
